The blog is not only about the intricacies of Solution Focused practice. I read other books (I know, shocking!), and I would like to share my thoughts and reflections from time to time about different topics. I recently read an eye-opening concept in the book “Life Isn’t Binary” by Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi. They discussed how we often fall into the trap of only loving our bodies when they function “properly” – when we are healthy, fit, energetic and pain-free.

However, this creates a false binary: either our bodies work the way we want, or we are frustrated and critical of them. It exemplifies internalised ableism – the ingrained societal message that worth is tied to productivity and perfectly functioning bodies.

I was reminded of this when I developed some prolonged throat issues recently that made activities like eating, drinking, and even talking quite painful for some time. At first, I’ll admit I was impatient for my throat to heal so I could get “back to normal.”

But then I remembered this harmful binary I had unconsciously adopted. Why did I only appreciate and love my body when it suited my desires? Bodily autonomy means all of me, not just the parts currently operating smoothly.

So I made an effort to change my inner dialogue. Instead of seeing my throat as an inconvenience, I thanked it for working tirelessly all these years to help me communicate. I soothed its pain and told it lovingly that we were in this together.

Choosing gentleness and patience helped me heal faster. But more importantly, it was an act of self-love and a rejection of the binary view that had deemed my body only lovable when “useful.” I think of all the small miracles my body performs daily to keep me thriving as best it can. I look at illness as an opportunity to understand my body more deeply and meet its needs in this moment.

This takes continual practice, which goes against how we’ve been conditioned. But choosing gentleness over frustration is morally right and pragmatically more effective for healing. This brought up memories from the past. I wish I had known this gentleness when I was diagnosed with an auto-immune condition in 2011. It would have made my life so much easier. I’m one of the lucky ones, I can manage my condition quite well, but my throat remains quite sensitive. Our culture’s perfectionistic standards can be projected onto our bodies, making us feel flawed when unwell. But we all deserve love, patience and compassion as integral beings. My goal is to remember this truth not just when it’s easy but when my body needs it most.

I hope these reflections provide reassurance if you’ve struggled with similar feelings. Please share below if you have tips that help you overcome the internalised ableism of a healthy/unhealthy love binary. Let’s support each other in unconditionally loving these beautifully complex bodies of ours.